The Feminist Knitter

Just another weblog

Mental Exhaustion June 10, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — picturefool @ 4:53 pm

I can be a bit of a whiner sometimes. “I don’t feel good.” “This was the CRAZIEST day!” “You’re stupid.” You know…

But I’ve been holding back on some stuff lately and it’s got to come out somewhere.

My job is great. I love it. I like what I do and I love most of the people I work with and for. I feel pretty lucky. On the other hand, it is a constant battle to keep everything moving the way it should. Operations is all about multi-tasking and I’m good with that until the interruptions start to feel like I’m being sprayed with bullets. Then I crumble inside.

My home is great. My family – my two fellas – are the best. My husband and I have a healthy and warm marriage filled with long talks and hand-holding. We have romance, passion and friendship. My son is perfection. He is amazing – the best kid ever. On the other hand, home has its responsibilities like bills and cleaning and laundry and bills and the yard and bills and drive here and drive there and sometimes it gets to be a lot – especially on top of work.

My friends are amazing. I love them. There isn’t really a downside to that part except that being with friends means less time with my family.

My past is awful – muddy, murky, horrific. I have PTSD and OCD and am on pretty good meds. The meds help me keep the three sectors of my life in order and to a level of control that keeps me feeling only slightly crazy.

Lately, and I don’t know if this is a meds problem or not, I have been slipping down a rabbit hole. I am having random symptoms that I looked up online this morning and which all pointed to: You are fucking nuts, you loon. Okay, really what they said what: OH MY GOD, CALM DOWN! And everyone knows that having the Internet yell at you is very calming.

I am possessing and living the following symptoms:

Trouble concentrating, fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes.

The biggest indicator that I am not doing well right now is loss of appetite. I usually only lose my appetite when someone dies.

I’m worried… And that doesn’t help…


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